To live is to want. Each act, word and even thought, reflect some volition, however small, that moves us towards something we want. Most of this movement is so small (reaching for more salt in the soup, remembering to call so and so), it hardly seems worth noticing. In fact, we rarely associate most of our actions with wanting. We pursue while being unconscious that we want. Mostly we become aware of wanting only when our desires are frustrated. Then we become painfully aware of wanting.
This habit of unawareness of wanting means that what we desire often goes unexamined with regards to three criteria, that if unmet, makes life more difficult. That is, if we have a goal in mind, big or small, if it doesn’t meet certain requirements, we either won’t get it, or if we do, it will cause pain. I learned these requirements from an NLP training years ago and still find them very useful.
If having a goal is to add to your happiness, it must…
- Be possible in the world
- Be under one’s control
- Do no harm to oneself or others
One way this can be useful is to work backwards from some difficulty. That is, if you’re experiencing some negativity or having a difficult moment, day, week…, one thing to consider is that you may likely be 1) wanting something you’re not getting, 2) unaware of that fact, and/or 3) wanting something that violates one or more of the above conditions. Becoming more aware of what we want and disciplining ourselves to focus our wants on things that are possible, under our control, and do no harm can be difficult and highly irritating. But doing so will add to our happiness. Guaranteed.