Every act of kindness in a relationship makes some contribution to what I call a fund of good will. It is an account, much like a savings account, that can grow and diminish with deposits and withdrawals. The overall sense of harmony and good will in a relationship will tell the net balance in the account.
While all kindnesses increase the fund, most of us will at times make withdrawals. Knowingly or not, our stresses spill out on those around us, particularly those closest to us. Of the various types of withdrawals, two are worth noting because they entail a much bigger withdrawal than people realize.
The first one is in any way referring to the possible end of the relationship. This obviously includes threatening to leave, but also statements like, “I can’t take it anymore.” Delivered in the right way at the right time, this is also a threat to leave. Questioning the very existence of a relationship is a raid on the good will fund. In fact, it zeros out the account.
The second type of withdrawal is betraying any information given to you in vulnerability and confidence. Such information must be treated with great care. Whenever speaking of it, if you do not match the importance and respect with how you were told, the person will feel betrayed. And a disagreement or fight is never the time to bring such things up.
A wife once confided to her husband in a moment of courageous openness, that she had just recently seen in herself that which drove her crazy about her mother. It was hard to see and hard to say, but such an important step in having real choice about those behaviors. Weeks later, in the midst of a fight, the husband mentioned this behavior to bolster his argument. He was not mean. In fact, he convinced himself he was helping by bringing it to her attention. It’s not that he mentioned it, it’s how he mentioned it.
People who refuse to make these two types of withdrawals save themselves much unnecessary difficulties.