There’s a report of a study that’s gone a bit viral on the internet recently into how uncomfortable people get when left alone with themselves. The upshot is that a surprising number of people would rather get a painful electric shock than sit in an empty room for 15 min with nothing to do. As many have heard me say over the years, most of us shouldn’t be left alone with our brains very long–the results aren’t pretty.
What’s so hard about spending time simply with ourselves? Well, for one thing, when a person quiets down, he or she becomes aware of many things that have been pushed into the background, little aches and pains, to-do list items, unresolved feelings. For most people, what they call peace of mind depends on, is in fact synonymous with, being unaware. It is far easier to be either aware or apparently at ease, than it is to be both aware and truly at ease simultaneously. The problem is that it’s not possible to be truly happy without both of these together.
Take a person, say, who needs the TV on, or the radio, in order to fall asleep. Those sounds help keep the internal words and feelings at bay long enough for the deeper unconsciousness of sleep to take over. Turn the TV off, and awareness of what’s going on inside shoots up, and peace of mind drops like a stone. Think of what a cat and mouse game this is. One is constantly on the run, in avoidance of this or that thought or feeling or memory or worry, hiding in the distraction of outside noise. Tensions are bound to build up. It’s a game that ultimately can’t be won.
Most of those who need such aids to fall asleep are just aware enough to know they’re playing a precarious game, because they so often lose a turn at that game on one night or another. They wish for a better strategy, but what that really usually means is they wish for more proficient unawareness. What they actually need is a way to be with themselves as they are and find peace in that. That will offer a night’s rest that is peaceful indeed.
Retreat is the process by which we get to practice, off line so to speak, the art of both being aware and at ease in the same moment. It is a remarkable antidote to our usual habits. Retreats come in many shapes and sizes to suit our different tendencies. The form is not so important as long as the underlying principle is understood. Any form, be it meditation, yoga, or a beach house on the coast, can draw us into more awareness of ourselves or be used to hide from ourselves. The first is far more difficult, but also far more rewarding. The latter, though perhaps a pleasant relief in the moment, is like shoving one more notice from the bank about an overdrawn account into a drawer.
Find your form. Retreat toward yourself. If you persist, it is guaranteed you will like what you discover.