Part of really knowing someone, be it a partner, friend, family member, or oneself, is to know their weaknesses, their wounds. I don’t mean just any negativity, but rather those tender spots that they themselves judge so harshly that their repertoire of response is limited to just one thing. They react in one particular way that shuts down any further connection. The wound may be about anything, some bit of painful history, their weight, their intelligence, their ears, anything. It may be real or imagined, warranted or unwarranted. The point is, at this particular time, this person has an encrusted, negative perception that they still identify with some core idea of themselves.
To love that person, treat those wounds with the same care and attention as any bruise or broken bone.
1. Be aware of the wound. Many people are private about their physical wounds, nearly all are private about their emotional ones. Knowing exactly “where it hurts” emotionally is not so easy. Sometimes we are told outright, but more often these wounds are not only hidden from us, but the wounded one may be a little fuzzy on them as well, so often we discover them only by bumping into them. This can make them difficult to recognize, especially if part of the reaction of being bumped into is anger, and our loved one seems more hurtful than hurt. Very often I’ve seen these wounds in a marriage hiding in plain sight, very much out in the open, but not seen for what they are, and the source of much conflict.
2. Avoid reinjuring the wound. Once the wound is known, and our loved one knows it is known, greater care is needed to avoid more harm. Perturbing the wound now can only seem deliberate and will rapidly deplete good will. Be rather part of the wounds protection. Endeavor that your loved one should know that you will do what you can to keep the wound from being retraumatized.
3. Attend the wound. Avoiding reinjury does not mean avoiding the wound. If the wound is to heal and not just be a sore spot for the whole life, it usually requires care and attention. This is obvious with physical wounds that require a change of dressing, a splint, some medicine maybe. For emotional wounds it is more along the lines of compassion combined with honesty. Delicate business, and timing is often everything, but once the wound is known, if it is never again spoken of, you join the voice which says that healing is hopeless.
Be Aware. Avoid Reinjury. Help with Healing.